youre not mine and im not yours
waiting for
apologies that
never come
—
terribly sad, terrible sad
terribly heartbroken, terribly heartbroken
-
the first
20 years
were a fever dream
-
i wish it hadnt been
so hard for you
to have loved me
-
could i
tell you about
all of the scars you
left upon my heart
-
cause you’ve
lived and you’ve loved.
you’ve seen
and imagined
you’ve had it all
from love to loneliness
experienced
tragedy and circumstance
lived your life in motion
//
loving me
would have been brave
stupid
isnt it
easy
wouldnt it have been
//
it was supposed to be me who left
who left this god forsaken town
instead its u
who packs your bags and goes
its me who stays here
waiting for u to come back
i say ill leave
over and over again
as everyone else packs up and goes
and still im left here
//
30 minutes used to sound far
then 2 hrs did
and four
till it doesnt matter any more
//
Yyoure not mine and im not yours
you dont think of me before you sleep
or whenever you wake up
you think of other girls and other dreams
other places and other things
im a figment of your imagination or
maybe i never even happened
//
Wow Ukraine
You say
hard to believe its happening
//
she was always unkind to me
mean smiles and taunts
In grade 11 I said
Oh we have the same dress
And she gave me a fake smile
After uni I saw her at sportchek and looked away
And somewhere in between we played on the same team
My dad said
Marina means a Harbour
//
When I was a young child
i’d love when my dad was not home
We’d eat takeout and skip piano
Watch TV And stay up late
We’d laugh and speak loud eat chips
His absence meant no expectations and no pressures no anger and no gender
No more displacing his rage onto us after work or living among year 1900 expectations
Because his presence always had
This Underlying fear to it
this idea that he was head of house
and we were all beneath it
Sad to see
The love of your life
transform into all this
Into someone u don’t recognize
So i’ll stay single my whole life
Live by my own rules and my own dreams
Not those of some boy who dreams of binary fantasies and prince charming and princesses
But how my family always did it. How the women always did it. How I always thought i’d do it. I’ll live independently and by my own desires.not those that are imposed onto me . That seek to shape and manipulate me into things that are not real.
//
Childhood was
Trying to figure out
What was real and not real
A lot of it was not real
From what they said to what they did
It was all some made up scam
//
When I was teachers pet
I went up to my favourite teacher
, was my dad not scary at parent teacher interviews, I joked
No he said surprised and laughing. Your dad was really nice to meet.
//
My Dad has always been my dad
This big imposing man
but we are very much the same
Quick to laugh quick to joke
Quick to relate quick to smile
We laugh at the same shows the same jokes
Always wanted to be someone funny he
But then he tries to shut me down. Half the time he listens to me learns from me other times he denies it says no that is not right
You look so much like your dad
everyone used to tell me.
//
The White kids in school always talked about texting their parents
//
Never knew what to do when my dad would cry
So i would walk away
//
I had so many questions growing up
Nothing ever really made sense
those ppl are the same age as u
I’d say
hed laugh and say ya they are
//
I always felt like I was not enough
Not smart enough Not loud enough
Not brave enough Not strong enough
My dad’s relationship and is evolved
From how I got older how his own dad’s lessons lessened till they reappeared in flames of rage
But no matter what I did, no matter how much I did no matter how much love I tried to cultivate
It was just never enough. Sometimes u don’t have to say it or Hear it either to know. U just do
My mom she watches. Standing on the porch
//
I think I knew
That my parents lives grew on tragedies Unspoken tragedies unheard tragedies to hard to say and so I never questioned or if I did they were rebuffed. We grew up in a world where silence was key. Silence was all around us. And sometimes the mysteries did unravel. So I knew their stories made them who they were. Etched into their skin. Still it wasn’t Fair.
//
Outdoor Ed is stupid
I tell u brazenly
that’s my teacher there u say
Oh fuck
I say back
It’s okay You say
//
Open up my report card empty hallway
Fuck
I say and look around in case someone has heard
A teacher pretends not to hear me looks away. surprise Sits on their face. I was always such a Quiet girl. Never a troublemaker. Prepare 4 a chiding but none comes. This is the school after all, that white girls get away with saying slurs
Tiptoe out pretend i’m the gentle girl I am proceed with the act once again
//
The masks fall off the teachers every once in a while
Noticeable to everyone
Why is she so bad at math they Whisperto one another
Oh she’s such an overachiever they say
Manveen could do it better
Put that girl on suicide watch
Can she really even play sports
Why ever is she here
Oh she must be poor
If she’s so beautiful why does she have no friends
Why is she always sad
//
I’m probably being really mean to a bunch of late 20 yearold white men teachers who were always trying to be my friend and like change teaching or smtg by not being menaces but I was just not up for being bugged all the time 24/7 as some Type of of white saviour adoption charity project. I already had a family and it was their racist teaching that was shit
//
This teacher who never let me on the field was trying to bond with me one day and was like where do u want to go to uni (in grade 10) and he’s like i’ve never left I lived here went to uni here married my wife here and i thought, wtaf is wrong with u why the fuck would u stay here.
//
mcmann I say, i’m going to go to winnipeg
Winnipeg? He says. Wow that’s far.
//
when we were younger
u used to say
//
I don’t like
These Games u play
I don’t like
feeling sad
for making u feel jealous anymore
I din’t like
Hurting u
as much as u like hurting me
I want to just surrender
Stop all the mind games now
but i’ve put my arms down long ago
Youre the one who keeps on playing
//
I feel like we’re already grown up
dont know why were still here playing dress up
Here we go again
U can’t wait to get out
//
Never wanted to make u stay up every night like I do
Comparing what they have that I don’t
Wondering what it is that I don’t have
Knowing i’m never worthy
You don’t ever come back for me
only do it
in half moves and half efforts
that leave me lingering and wanting and half hopeful
then turn around and say
Nevermind I didn’t mean it u imagined it
//
who knew
to be
devastated
over someone
this long
//
can u blame me
for not knowing how to love
how am i supposed to know
that once in a blue moon
love lasts longer than a day
but i wait 4 it to disappear
to vanish
whisp away
becuz
nothing truly lasts forever
u show me i was right
//
Sometimes I think about
How loud our love was
How transparent to everyone it was but not to us
Our own on stage spectacle
How 13, 14
You don’t know what love is
But you can feel it
As it moves outside of your grasp
Leaves you lingering and wanting more
//
We’re just kids so
Our parents probably wouldn’t want us to date and
we wouldnt want to tell them abt it
There’s acres and acres of distance between us
Neither of us can drive so
We do the craziest schemes to
See one another
Our addled little brains
U can deny it
//
So 13 years later
After everyone told me to
Shut up be quiet
I find my voice again
Only for you not to hear it but
Spoken or Unspoken
Simply confirmation of what we always knew
Maybe reality hurts tho
As mistakes pile up one on top of one
So you’ll never read it cuz
We no longer have any mutuals
Any unloved mutuals to
Shuttle information back and forth
So I wait for your the knot website
And everything else u dream of
//
When I lost all my friends I thought
This too shall pass
This too shall pass
You’ve survived a forest fire so u can survive an earthquake
//
We’re past 19 and you
Ask me why why now
ive given u everything but the sea
and thats all u can say to me
but don’t u know the answer
Can’t you tell our time is ticking
Don’t u always know
It’s always been ticking
Past prom And drivers Ed and everything in between
Past sweet sixteen and uni and high school graduation and teen death
Past frosh and moving away and jobs
We’re growing older and
One day this distance will be 2 much to handle
Uve tried to fill it but
“Chase 2 girls lose the 1”
Which one do u ever want
Cause choices need to be made
Now or if never
//
Always the brave one
I’m Always the brave one
doing the asking and the confessing And the pushing
And u call yourself the brave one
Brag that your the brave one but you’re the one who hides
//
I’m scared that if we date
You’ll tell all the other kids it’s just a joke
//
they say that u should
find comfort in the arms of another and
u seem to have done this well but
i just end up feeling
lonely unsafe and unmoved
//
Peter losing Wendy, I
I knew you
Leavin' like a father
Running like water, I
And when you are young, they assume you know nothing
But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss
I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs
The smell of smoke would hang around this long
'Cause I knew everything when I was young
I knew I'd curse you for the longest time
Chasin' shadows in the grocery line
I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired
And you'd be standin' in my front porch light
//
you dont want 2 get married late in lyfe
so why r u sabotaging your own self?
//
we were in first place
now were in last
//
dont act like we belong to one another,
you say
but why then do your eyes still look at me the way they do
//
Perfect perfect
I search 4 perfection
Because u only want me if I am
Perfect Perfect
They’ll make fun of me for it
But they’re the ones who say its who I have to be
Perfect perfect
All the lies bleeding out
Covering them up to pretend I am perfect indeed
//
Maybe your wishes for me Come true
//
Empty eyes and tear stained lips
I’ll save myself
Forever and always
//
You never said u were sorry
Not then and not now
That would be taking responsibility
//
U say u luv the movie I loved
In front of everyone around us
The smile on your lips uve
Studied everything there ever was abt me
want to know me better than anyone else
But did u ever watch it
Figure out u were just the bad guy
Who never turned out good
Youre just jealous
Of every guy who looks my way
have to sabotage anything with it
the edge of your jaw ticking
Confining your twitch of anger
But then which one is it
Am I yours or not
Can’t ever figure u out
U leave me to ruins
choose someone else
then anger when I leave your arms
Awtr
//
maybe ive lived my best life
laughing at sushi and watching movies i dont like
hanging out at bayshore and getting
lost on the bus with ppl who dont want me
college square and
trekking in the snow and
getting mad at how
friends treat the servers
Your anger bubbling up
till later they say
im sorry amy
for how we behaved
my life used to be so
bright and dull then
so much to do
so much to pretend
//
coming back to who i was
//
so much stuff
i never said
we knew it all
didnt we
//
you cut your hair u get assaulted
do u ever think about me
wonder abt me
its not your fault
//
broken hearted
cause im not yours
//
13 years of
broken hearts
//
why
make the journey to one another if
only to have
empty eyes and
unfilled silence
quiet nothing
speaking out loud
im sorry i cant i dont know
i know
what its like
2 be deeply unloved by someone
becuz u r not white
//
deny it once again
make me go insane
//
so i dont say a word
see how u treat her
so badly
from girl to girl
//
voted most likely to
run away with u
//
pygorathem theorem
i wish they taught u
at 14
how to live without
someone that u love
//
so compare me to every girl u meet
find 15 girls shes the one
look for me in everyone
//
We talk abt being in the same city
And living together
It never happens
//
Did u
Really have to deny it all
//
26 years and
I’ve lived too long enuf
It never ever got better
//
If i’m being honest with myself
I’ll say I knew you no longer wanted me
At 17, 18, 19, 20, 23
Kept trying to lie to myself
That u werent lying to yourself
/_
You said it was a great love
One for the ages
If the story's over
Why am I still writing pages?
//
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were Heather
god conan donttttt do this to us!!!
compare myself
to every girl u choose
each ones whiter than me
u can never compare
i can change everything about myself
to be anything u like
i cant change what ulove
u see me transform from
something to nothing
say not a word
not a breath
not an im sorry
as everytime
u break me the fuck down
im left lying here
after everything u ever did to me
sorrys in your eyes
but never on your lips
tear me down once more
from something to nothing
leaving me sobbing alone at midnight
wihshing i was more
how many times how many more times
u think i can take it each time
what did i ever do to u
to make me feel this way
rip me apart
f i n d i n g yourself
tormenting me 4 jokes
20 years later
dont come running back
u learnt u could win
from holding power and oppressing
than being someones victim
how can u turn that all back
//
wat do u do
when your heart
floats elsewhere
your soul still stays planted
but your thoughts always wander
u run as far as you can
and block it all out
still it finds u
in every living breath and in
every living moment
drives u up the wall
and drowning in water
//
u spend your last summer
with someone else
spend my last grad with
someone else
last whispers and arms outstretched
your choice once again
//
grown up job grown up car
grown up glasses grown up voices
grown up clothes grown up friends
grown up rent grown up room
//
if being myself means being radical, im not really sure what that means.
//
Something's gotten into you
You don't really look at me the way you used to
Well, fight or flight
I'd rather die
Than have to cry in front of you
Fight or flight
I'd rather lie
Than tell you I'm in love with you
My eyes are welling up as you admit there's someone new
-conan
//
And I screamed for whatever it's worth
"I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?
//
Cause u might look into my eyes
See smtg I don’t want u to see
//
13 and they’ve
Already told you
Who to be how to act
//
Despite how the world tried to divide us
//
I truly loved u
I really did
Sometimes I think abt how viscerally I felt things back then
How everything felt 10x worse and extreme than it does now
It scared u didn’t it it scared us both
Both living in our suburban homes under our parents rules
Governed by expectations and society so many of my feelings bursting out
Used to feel everything at once
now im empty
So much envy and jealously and want And desire . Confusion and loving you and never knowing what it all meant. Wanting to run away And escape and never come back. Living in fear and sadness and grief
//
Can u want me please.choose me please. Because why is it never my turn. Choose her over me. Find Someone over me. It’s always someone much better more glamorous. I scroll over their profile analyze everything they have that I don’t. White girl white girl I cant ever compete. Half girl half girl ok u got me. I say, do you want me. U say, maybe later. //
I wouldn’t
Ever want to make u feel as bad as u make me
But u don’t understand it do u
The cuts u make the bruises they fade and blossom and reappear
I feel so bad
Would never want to make u feel lesser have to compete you’re So angry u make us say our camp crushes u name some random white blonde girls I struggle to think of someone say someone kind and not white and everyone gasps in their wwhitenessthey have named every mean football captain but that is so 2nd grade u grumble and your jaw tenses in anger and rage
But u don’t care abt me. You’re so hurt all u can do is hurt back
Don’t u Ever think how i feel how I hurt how I bleed I look away u smile
Im drowning and then u find me drowning u say I never knew And run away. Whatever makes u feel better you’re supposed to save ppl brag abt saving ppl but i’ll save myself struggling and flailing and gasping against this waters edge u never help me and I am drowning in the very tears I made so who’s fault is it
//
if u dont care abt me
just let some other boy
pick me up and toss me around
u already created the springobard 4 it
//
Kinda sad huh
How loving u was finding home
Being loved by you never meant
Having to prove myself or earn my worth
Needing to ask u to love me Or play pretend
Until its all I do
But being loved by you felt magical fulfilling
Meant being loved for who I was and not who we weren’t
Till one day it all disappears and
I spend my life Trying to get back into your books
Lose myself along the way
Make myself go mad
How can u go
From everything to nothing
It’ll make u go insane
//
Name never felt so pure than from your lips
//
Strange to think
10 years ago
You’d open up the internet
And if u didn’t already know
Watch everything from the outside
Pool parties and cottage trips
Stuff you’re not invited to
hes dating another girl again
you just spend another night alone
//
Used to analyze each other
Now we know everything
Abt each other
//
Used to think that
Those were the only scars i’d have
The deepest scars i’d have
But they just keep piling up keep getting deeper
It never truly ends
//
I never had to ask u to love me never had to claw for it in disgrace
Cause u would just do it just so senselessly so relentlessly so infinitely till one day it trickles away
youre just never enough
//
im not your responsibility
youre not really mine
you dont owe me anything
dont have to check in on me
ask if everythings ok
im not your responsibility
not really anyones
//
try to fill up all my holes
with someone else somebody else something else
//
every single rejection
every look away
youre not enough
never enough
not white not
//
you are not first born
so you are never special
something as
nonsensical as age
as nonsensical as gender
you spend your life
waiting on the sidelines
is it my turn ?
you ask
for you are never chosen
spend your lifetime
bieng the jester
trying on different hats
what ever makes u special
//
to not have to
try
to earn someones love
to just hold it
have it
for no damn reason at all
//
i spend my whole life
looking for clues
looking for answers
of getting over u
//
u wish it never happened
that u didnt have anything to compare this to
//
dad tries to protect u from most
no point it already happened
U tell no one
//
do u just live life
waiting 4 death to happen
//
i want to know your every sorrow
every thing that makes u u
but u dont want a part of me
//
U run over to me in school one day
My mom threw out all my clothes on the road and started screaming at me yesterday!!! you say. She got mad at me for not putting the dishwasher dishes away
Why didn’t u do it, I say, and u laugh maniacally, I did I did! My mom says I can’t go to the band trip any more
The next day I say, oh you’re here and u laugh manically oncemore. ya my mom gave me a hundred dollars. And we are laughing oncemore at our frenzied parents when they tell us money can’t buy everything u can’t use it to buy love but our parents use it to bribe us to seek forgiveness. We laugh so much in awe in stupidity u spend that money on a drawing I never see u again
//
Drowning in our own sorrows
We Repeat what our parents do
Tho we vowed to change it
//
I can’t make u love me
Even if I tried
All my dignity gone
Begging on my knees
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be
Me always at your beck and call
//
You go on with your life
And i’ll go on with mine
//
Four years of hell
Youre always on my mind
You always seem ok
18 cut it clean
Start it all over
Once again
Reinvent yourself
shed your old skins
//
We were supposed to become adults
Only to become infants once again
//
These deep waves of sadness
Do you feel it too
It’s lonely being alone
//
U make
Assumptions
Of who my parents r
From the shows u see on TV
And the friends u have at school
//
To love me
would have been to be brave
The words written on my arms
Unwanted
No one wants to touch me
Be associated with me
Exile me alone
And leave me in the depths of my own despair
For it would be better than Being here
Being everyone’s punching bag
//
You look in the mirror
And question why no one likes u
Brown dull eyes
Large nose and
No cheekbones look back at you
You do everything they want
But nothing is ever enough
When your skin isnt translucent white
your eyes not blue and worthy
//
That girl
Got an im sorry
Not me
—
and so ive forgotten how to speak - joyce kung
—
jenny zhang why r u killing me!!!
I suppose I was a hog for attention and validation from the beginning.
“i wanted to convey the unreality of childhood, the sweetness and the sourness of being so small, so helpless, and so dependent on adults. We tend to render childhood as purely idyllic and innocent, or totally nightmarish and traumatic, but there's a spectrum of nuance that lies between.
We fetishize a child’s capacity for fantasy, wonder, and purity, but we also scorn them, treat them as idiots, use them as mirrors for our own wounds and egos. Children are both overestimated and underestimated.”
—
couldnt u have given me the grace of
truth
truth so i dont have to be
living in my own mind
chasing myself
cuz youre too scared to admit it to yourself
plz dont make me go
insane oncemore
thinking it was just me
just because youre
2 selfish 2 be honest
just treat me like one of your white girls
and tell me i was special
its lonely
here on this island of 1
iwont blame u for a thing not a thing
we’ll forget it ever happened
bury the hatchet wipe it clean just u and me
//
if im gone
i just want someone to know
that i lived and i loved
one year i had it all
//
watch me just
keep your eyes on me
anything to
keep your love
your attention
forever more
//
just
silence
and stares
and feeling
//
so tell me i
never meant a thing
speak to me'
in an
unrecognizable voice
say my soul is beautiful
and let me go
chase another
and forget all the sins
u ever did
//
you always do this to me
dont u
playing tricks
coy smile
always leave me wanting more
never change
u write
//
im glad that youre ok
glad that youre all well
//
Used to glance over on
Rare encounters
In teenage life
Your profile resolute
Did you Ever realize
How you moved my world from darkness to light
For just a miracle of a moment ✨
Used to want to tell you
My world was quite dark before I met you
But you won’t listen to it
U say u don’t love me but i
catch you looking at me in awe
Till u shake it away and forget it
//
Cause our parents don't really get us
They think we’re too young and theyre so tired and all the other kids act like sexualized fiends theydon’t like us poke fun of our spots run away Think we're disposable and worthless and weird
But I see so much in you
without ever saying a word
We see each other’s haunts and deviations and stories and scars
Reflected back at me in mourning eachday
//
Did u
Know how much I loved you?
I know we were both young
I know we
got our news and life directions from teachers adults movies
How were we supposed to know
What was going on
This incomprehensible
Feeling
taking over us
Know that 10 years on
I still loved you so
///
I won’t intrude
I won’t disturb
I know
That feeling of breathing again
The gasping of air
That you can find Someone else
Someone new
to start all over again with
Even if
a small feeling wonders
What ever about him
//
I wonder if u ever worry about me
I know that you know i’m strong
That I can take whatever happens to me
But you’re the only one i tell
Crying in a parking lot
Slamming my fists against the wheel
Youre the only one I ever tell
Oh
You laugh
I would have never imagined
//
I'm so scared of sobbing
Of you seeing the truth in my eyes
We shield them from each other
//
Who would have known
Seeing you once a year
Was more than i’d ever have
//
right now is the last time
I can dream about what happens when
You see my face again
People started talking, putting us through our paces
I knew there was no one in the world who could take it
I had a bad feeling
//
ive said it b4
ill say it again
im finally over u
panting + waking up
reality reflected in my dreams
always asking u why u left me
u never respond back
just begging u to tell me the reason why
the truth would break your heart
before it would break mine
so were 2 far apart
youre always trying to prove smtg
im always not enough
ive learnt my lessons u never learnt yours
too busy trying to compete fit in conform
you never learnt abt race
i never knew
u said
were too far apart an ocean apart
an abyss rings quiet below
//
Your dad buys you so much stuff as a kid
To cover up Old scars
Every summer new soccer ball
Waiting for you
Hes ironing and says
That’s for you
And you feel guilty for all of your possessions
Because u don’t need something new
but it’s more for him than u
When you get older you realize your soccer balls aren’t special
cause everyone else has fifa ones
But you don’t tell your dad
whose is this
they say
This one’s too hard and toss away
//
13 years of hell
13 years of loving you
i said i
never thought id
live past 13
so here i am
double the age i ever was
next 13
ill do whatever i will
//
whenever i speak to you now
its only this
fake voice fake charade
fake everything u smile at me
to no expression
fake everything fake nothing
u grin i walk away
//
youre so sad till
u forget u were
a person who ever once loved
the scars theyre long gone now
the bruises and scabs and marks and scratches all faded
no one ever knows what happened to u
so your body and mind forgets it too
u forget everything u ever loved and
everything u ever shed tears on
all the friends u ever made and lost
the passions u once ever had
the people you loved and the things you celebrated
theyre all long gone now
till nothing means anything anymore
at 17 you
bare your darkest secrets
your deepest fears
they say it doesnt matter
so maybe it never did
you never solved anyones problems
despite the
living terrors running through your head as
sand fell through your fingers
//
Can u believe?
YOure the
Same person u were at 16
What else has changed
//
fourteen
bell letstalk bell letstalk
//
so
how much
how many times
did i do i cross your mind
run through your brain till you scratched scratch me out
gnawed at your soul raw
till you bury me underneath
every thing youve ever done and
every wrong youll ever regret
till you drown me out
in every new girl you meet
and every distraction you pour yourself into
im everything you think about
and everything you want
//
so i walk away
from everything i ever wanted
and im over it and
you can say you are too
while you run away from everything and everyone you ever new
to reinvent yourself to find yourself to
//
how could i
have questioned my everything
just becuz of u
questioned my
very being
my very self
my very worth
cuz of everything u ever did 2 me
threw myself to ruins and
cut off all my hair
threw out all my clothes
just to rid myself of you
still to have you cling onto me
like heavy smoke hanging in the air
the smell left on my clothes
im finally
rid of you from
traces lingering everywhere
from everything u ever put me thru
and deny each every time
cuz who the fuck were u
to ever fuck with me
//
my dad used to tell me
to fight back against bullies
and i used to say
thats not how things are done now but 2 decades later and i
flip the bird to white men drivers who
honk me into traffic cuz
my mom used to say
they dont care if youre dead and i
scream and swear and curse groups of frat boys who catcall me in deserted spots at night
confront idiots in grocery stores and stand my ground
i dont think this is what my dad expected of me
would have wanted me to do so i
talk of heroics
but most of the time i stay mum
and when i speak i shake i tremble hide my fear
//
So I call you late at night
And you’re mad that I would
Even dare
To be knocking at your door this late at night
Asking for rights to your wrongs u did to me
U run away from all your problems all the pain u etched into me
Gr 8
Hinder angel
Only half understand
Can’t imagine it ever happening
pray it can’t be us
But 10 yrs later i’m the other girl you scold for being foolish
And tell your new one I mean nothing
//
The boys in uni that
Ask me if i’m safe at night
laugh and smile with eyes that don’t match and wave them off
( we’re they not a part of the problem tho.never once did stand up. Laugh at jokes and decry feminists. What’s this myth of a nice guy )
//
none of them
would have ever mattered me
i tell you
but theyre all that mattered to you
//
midnight calls
and messages
mine always sent at night
and yours in the mornings
could we be
anymore different
//
u change so much for everyone else
change your clothes change your hair
first its to look pretty
then not to be assaulted
no one ever asks if youre ok
all the books i ever read
from star girl to
jerry spinelli to
milkweed to
judy blume
they were all the same but in old casings
till one day u grow up
and it all repeats again
//
so u go to university and u
start working at the mines
u do everything youre supposed to do
but your life it still stays empty
8 years back
everything has changed
but so much is the same
they said ud figure it out
but u just feel lost
//
to be
both repelled and
audulated
for who u r
//
Oh
To float back to 14
When u knew everything and nothing at all
im so guilty
of thinking of the past
im 19 they say
the past is the past
move on
but youre here listening to
seventeen
thinking youre
much too old 4 this 4
high school songs
wondering why your
hearts still broken
your lifes still in pieces
after all this time
you never moved on
while everyone else did
so you listen in secret
to lorde and
every other
high school songstress
u dont
understand all theyre saying
but u
know u feel it too
//
Cuase u always wanted to be a man
And I never ever wanted any of that
Watch u thru
Screens and windows
Running away from yourself and those who loved u
//
so now youre in my bedroom
asking me to try again
and I just
don’t know why youre talking to me
when youre with someone else
youre wondering
why I never try again and
I wonder why
You always line up girls
just to break them down
Cause your heart is scared of being empty
They don’t
Know youre
Using them to get over me
Why would u ever think
Id choose you over
The heart of another girls
So im glad
10 years later
U finally Found the girl to solve your woes
Leave out all the broken bits
Isn’t it funny
How the girl u mocked
The girl u made fun of
She doesn’t look like the other girls
Don’t u think id notice don’t u think id care
So what made u feel
so much better than her
when shes ten times the person u r
all the guys will
find it hilarious
so why should it make u feel bad when
u did it for the boys
Doesn’t it
Make u sad
That no one will ever
Call you out
Not even me
Because of the power you now wield
The power u now use
The fear that you impose
So methodically, so carefully, so painstakingly planned.
I speak
You say nothing
I speak
You turn away
I speak
You look disgusted
You reach out and wonder
Why I am no longer there why i
Am no longer happy why I
No longer speak
ask me to answer all your questions
How do you
Rationalize
This all to yourself
Whatever makes u feel better
Theyre all just empty lies
Never be so polite, you forget your power
Never wield such power, you forget to be polite